You Don’t Know How to Have Sex
In my practice I work with mostly assigned female at birth (AFAB) clients who are queer. There has been a common theme that has come up several times in my practice, specifically with my AFAB clients who identify as bi-sexual and pansexual, and have mainly had sexual interactions with people assigned male at birth (AMAB). On a number of occasions these clients have talked to me about other AFAB people they are interested in romantically and sexually, and almost every time that we talk about starting the sexual part of their relationships, my clients express feeling nervous, intimidated, and/or incompetent when it comes to taking their relationship to the next step—having sex with their AFAB partners. Some of these clients have not had sex with AFAB people, some of them have not had sex with very many AFAB people, and others haven’t had sex with AFAB people in a long time.
What I hear over and over again, is that they don’t know how to have sex with someone who is AFAB. This fear is completely valid. We all experience worry, doubt and insecurity when it comes to having a new experience, especially when that experience has to do with performance in sex. And in each of these cases I have also dug deeper with them. After validating their experiences I have asked each of them how they feel about having sex with an AMAB person. In every case, the response is that they feel confident, secure and good in this experience overall. I then ask them, ‘what’s the difference?’ What is the difference between having sex with an AMAB person and an AFAB person, in each case, with a new partner? The resounding answer is that they know what they are doing, even if it’s their first time, with the AMAB person in a sexual scenario. And this is where we begin to dig. Because I had a hunch that this was going to be their response(s), and so I follow with sharing my thoughts with them, and now you.
Why does having sex with a new AMAB partner lack significant feelings of insecurity or worry for these clients (and probably many others)? The obvious answer is that my clients have more experience in sex with AMAB people; and with more experience comes greater comfortability and confidence, of course. They are operating from the belief that they already know how to have sex with AMAB people. However, what I shared with each of them was a deeper question. Why do they assume that they know ‘how to have sex’ with new AMAB partners? I argue that in any new sexual encounter, with any person, of any sex assigned at birth, that it might not be best practice to assume that we know what a person wants or enjoys sexually. That maybe it is presumptuous to believe that just because they have had more sex with AMAB people, that they know how all AMAB people want to have sex. My aim in sharing this thought and posing this question is not to shoot down any confidence they have, but it is actually intended to be reassuring. I think another part of why these clients feel more confident in having sex with AMAB people is because there is such an emphasis placed on centering ‘male sexual pleasure’ in all the types of media (social, TV/movies, pornography, etc.), that we all believe we know what AMAB people want. This conditioning fosters a lack of, what I’m calling, conscious and intentional sex. It gives people who are having this type of sex cookie cutter or unconscious roles to play. Where people don’t really have to think about or communicate wants, needs, desires, fantasies, etc. And I have shared this with my clients in our sessions as well.
You see, when we believe there are set roles to fit into in sex, we don’t have to do any of the labor of asking questions, or sharing desires, or really doing much communicating at all. So, I push back on my clients a bit, and challenge them to stop assuming they know how to have sex (inherently) with anyone. (Of course if you have a long term sexual partner likely more assumptions are made, however communication and consent are still important for any good sex life!) I propose that there is very little difference between having sex with a partner with the same genitals verses opposite genitals as you, because really, every person has their own preferences, wants, and unique needs in sex regardless of the hardware they possess.
Communication in sex is key. Communication however, requires vulnerability. It takes vulnerability to ask what someone likes or wants, it takes vulnerability to share what you like and want. It takes courage to risk coming off as unknowledgeable or inexperienced when asking about how someone wants to be touched. And this vulnerability is worth this risk, because it can lead to better sex for all involved. I ask my clients to put themselves in the other person’s shoes; what if they were having sex with someone new, and that person were to ask them about what they wanted, or how they liked to be touched, what would their response be? Would it be unkind and judgmental? Or would they perhaps feel respected and glad to tell someone what they want? And the answers have been the latter.
Let’s all get what we want out of sex! Stop assuming you know how to have sex with somebody or are good at sex in general just because you have had sex with someone of that same sex assigned at birth before! My belief: you don’t, I don’t, we don’t actually know how to have sex with any new sexual partner. What a relief! No one knows it all, so everyone is off the hook of assumption based performative sex! It’s okay to be new at something and it’s even better than okay to ask questions and be curious and share more during sex!
