There Isn’t One Way to be Non-binary; My Journey to Top Surgery
My journey in the realm of gender identity has been an ever evolving narrative, much like the stories I help my clients explore and understand within their own lives. Being a queer, non-binary individual has shaped my perspectives, both personally and professionally, and has recently led me to a pivotal decision: top surgery.
This decision has not been without its complexities. It's a transformation that I've envisioned and desired for several years, one that will align my physical form more closely with how I perceive and want to express my gender on the outside. However, amidst the anticipation and eagerness for the change, there exists a nuanced emotional terrain that deserves acknowledgment.
Having my own therapist has been instrumental for me in a lot of ways, particularly in my gender exploration, offering a space for me to voice my fears, even the ones that seem contradictory. The anxiety about potentially regretting the surgery, despite my firm belief in the practice of unconditional self-love and self-compassion (and my own personal commitment to not harboring any regrets in my life), has been a recurring theme.
During these sessions, my therapist has helped me unearth a profound realization: I'm not just contemplating and likely grieving the loss of this body part; I'm also mourning the conditioned beliefs and societal notions tied to them. Breasts, often commodified and objectified, carry societal constructs of desirability, attractiveness, and power. As someone who identified with certain privileges or societal advantages due to conforming to stereotypical feminine attributes as a teen and young adult, there's a simultaneous grieving for the relinquishment of these conditioned advantages, as well as the grief of the belief that breasts are the only thing that holds my feminine energy.
Living as a non-binary person defies specific definitions or molds. It's a fluid and ever-evolving experience, not dictated by physical appearance or societal expectations. Yet, within this beautiful freedom, there's a complexity that can sometimes feel perplexing, particularly when grappling with how one's appearance aligns or challenges societal norms.
The imminent change in my physical form through top surgery is an intentional step towards expressing my gender authentically. It's a decision steeped in excitement and nervousness, and through this process, I've come to understand that all forms of change, even those eagerly sought, come with a sense of loss and, subsequently, grief.
The realization that this journey is about shedding societal expectations, embracing authenticity, and aligning with the truest expression of self has been liberating. It's about dismantling the internalized notions of conditional self-love and recognizing that whatever choices or changes I make in life should never require me to withhold love from myself.
This exploration of self-love and acceptance is an invitation for introspection. I encourage you, too, to examine areas in your life where unconditional self-love feels challenging. Approach these aspects with curiosity and compassion, and if needed, seek a supportive friend or professional to delve into the complexities without judgment.
As I stand on the precipice of this transformative journey, I carry with me the assurance that self-love, self-compassion, and self-acceptance will guide me through any uncertainty. Embracing change doesn't imply forsaking oneself; instead, it's an affirmation of honoring the most authentic version of who we truly are.
This journey of ftm top surgery is an ode to self-discovery, self-expression, and an unwavering commitment to unconditional self-love in a world that often tries to prescribe conditional acceptance. May we all navigate our paths with empathy, understanding, and a steadfast dedication to embracing our truest selves.
With love and compassion,
Erin Davis, LCSW
