The Third ‘Person’ in Every Relationship; And It’s Irreplaceable Role
Over the last several months, I have found myself frequently saying to various clients (and even friends) something I have more recently learned about what makes a healthy relationship and a better relationship. And I want to share this insight with you!
Since getting into my relationship, I have realized the importance of protecting and caring for the relationship over everything else, if my goal is for it to last. This means I now treat the relationship itself as its own entity, a living thing that I love, honor, cultivate, and work on constantly. This perspective of my partnership changed everything.
More specifically, I have found myself being able to lean into more uncomfortable conversations with my partner; conversations about boundaries, needs, insecurities, and even my own feelings of hurt or disappointment with things they have said or done.
Understanding the Shift
Historically, conversations about any of those topics would have come with deep and terrifying fear for me, especially fear of abandonment. Questions of whether or not the person would still love me or want me after a conversation about boundaries would be commonplace in the past. But now, with this new perspective of caring for the relationship, I am not as afraid. Although it can still be uncomfortable, my fear of abandonment has quieted down significantly. I have found that by leaning into these conversations, I am actually protecting the relationship from resentment and/or contempt.
The Dangers of Contempt
Contempt, according to John Gottman, a relationship expert, is one of the four horsemen (of relationship endings) in his theory. Contempt is a practically guaranteed relationship destroyer. It is funny, in a way; I suppose I still have some fear of losing my partner, of us splitting up, but now that fear is placed in the right place. I now fear experiencing any contempt for my partner because I didn't say the thing I needed to say.
The Power of Honesty
I know for myself at least, that contempt/resentment come when I don't honor and share what I am truly feeling or what I really need from my partner, or when I don't set a necessary boundary for myself. And because I know contempt is nearly guaranteed to eventually eat away and end my relationship. So, I now choose the momentary discomfort of bringing up the thing that is bothering me or sharing what I'm feeling because I trust that doing so will not be the end of my relationship. While also knowing that by not bringing it up, resentment is likely to build and this will definitely harm and eventually end us.
Framing the Conversation
I even frame it that way when I speak to my partner about these sorts of things. I now am able to say things like, 'I care so much about the longevity of our relationship and about you, that I need to share with you...' or 'I want to protect our relationship from building even the chance of resentment, so I want to share...' and I go from there. It is such a beautiful way to frame my challenges and needs and makes the conversation much less uncomfortable and scary for both of us.
The Universality of Relationship Challenges
It's important to note that conversations like these can feel challenging to everyone. Building a healthy relationship is not about avoiding difficult conversations but rather about navigating them with empathy and a shared commitment to the partnership. In any relationship, there will be moments of discomfort, misunderstandings, and differing needs. What sets healthy relationships apart is the willingness to address these issues openly and honestly, with the intention of preserving and strengthening the connection.
Building a healthy relationship is a lifelong journey that involves nurturing and protecting the partnership itself. By shifting our perspective to see the relationship as a living entity that deserves care and attention, we can overcome the fear of uncomfortable conversations and pave the way for open, honest, and productive discussions with our partners. Remember, it's common for these conversations to feel challenging, but it's through them that we can grow individually and together, ultimately creating a stronger and more resilient bond.
If you are struggling in your relationship I would recommend a few things. Look into John Gottman’s work, the Gottman Institute; he has some great resources for couples. Including books, work books and online courses. Seeking a couples therapist is also a useful option if you have the ability to see someone—the sooner the better too! You do not have to wait until things are hard or bad in your relationship to seek couples therapy. My partner and I started couples therapy 4 months into our relationship, when things were going very well and it has been so helpful! As always, feel free to take or leave any of this healthy relationship advice; with all love, Erin Davis, LSCW.
